Ya Hungry?

I was sitting in church today listening to the sermon and I thought it was coming to a close and i got excited about it. As in I was excited that it was almost over.
Then I was disappointed at myself.
Im sure you can see why.

If any of you really know me, you know that I am almost ALWAYS hungry.
I asked God to help me to always be hungry for his word.
So hungry, that I want anything I can get.

I think everyone should really think in this.
How many of us have our favorite pastor who preaches or what not?
I do. and its not a bad thing.
But we should all be so hungry for Gods word that it doesnt really matter who preaches it...as long as they are a good Christian.
Do you understand what im trying to say?

Have you ever been so hungry physically that you would eat anything you could get your hands on?
Thats how I want to be concerning my spiritual life.
So Hungry for Gods word that I would be so happy to get any piece of it that i could get.

keep me in your prayers.

The Plank

I was sitting in my room this morning getting ready thinking back on yesterday.
My mom had surgery, my brother accidentally made the fire alarm go off, Carman...
And I thought about how I was talking to someone and how mean i thought they were for saying such mean things about one of my friends...then i realized how much crap I say about people.
Like yesterday at Carman...I was laughing and joking about him. I am such a hypocrite...
Here I was pointing out the splinter in someones eye, and im standing there with a plank in mine!!
Then numbers of things started popping into my head where I had laughed at someone...said something rude...gossiped about someone. WHO AM I?
Why do I think I can judge.
I HATE it when people talk about me, yet here I am talking about people.
I laughed at someone walking into the doors of my church...idk if He saw me, but I am standing there representing my church and Im laughing at someone walking in!
If that would have happened to me, I would have thought the people at that church must be rude and NEVER go back!!
I even helped lead people to Christ after the Carman show, I wasnt ready to do that last night...I had been complaining and joking all night. I wasnt prayed up. I wasnt in the attitude of worship.
SO many times I tell my school that it doesnt matter what the band is like on the stage...that isnt worship. TRUE worship comes from your heart!
WHAT A HYPOCRITE I HAVE BEEN!
I feel terrible and I sat in front of my mirror this morning and cried and asked God to give me his eyes to see with his love. With his point of view not mine.
I asked that every thought that went in my head, every word that came out of my mouth would be pleasing to Him!

I need growth.
I dont want to be a hypocrite yet, slowly, thats what Im turning into.
Forgive me.
Im so sorry.
Im checking myself...examining my faults.
Pray for me.

Im not mistaken.

Does he know the way he makes me feel?
the feeling of complete bliss, in this, i know
I should be, in someway, mistaken.

all the heartache has been erased
i feel no pain, but happiness at your side.
you hold me and i feel at ease.


I smile and laugh with no reason
except this, I am completely happy being with you, in this, i know
I should be in someway mistaken.

Come back and hold me tonight.
because in your arms, I know im safe
from Heartbreak and sadness.

No, Im not mistaken, I know you'll be here again.
Your arms wrapped around me.
your heart against mine.
I feel it beating.
Im not mistaken when i say this.

"Beauty is simply reality seen with the eyes of love."

So i used to say I didn't have very many friends that were "good friends"
But I am lame for saying that.
'Cause I really do.
Thank you CorbyJane, and Alex for you encouraging words(:



Okay so, todaaaayyyyy....
I woke up very refreshed and happy(:
which is rare for me because I hateeee being awoken.
mhmm.

So me and my brother both stayed late so we could ride to school in our new vehicle :D
We just got an Expedition from a friend and we are all quite stoked about the whole thing.

We got to school and I immediately started working on my Language.
As for those who do not know the system of my school...It is a home-school kind of deal.
We have small "lifepacs" and we have to do so many in each subject to achieve a certain grade.

That's about as much as I feel like explaining it.

So anyways.
at 11:00, I had a violin lesson and my stupid left hand was not being nice!
My fingers were being sloooooow and so were my eyes. blahhhh
After my violin lesson I had a Flute quartet lesson.
Only 3 of the 4 showed up...which isn't surprising but very frustrating!
I cant tell the kid if he doesn't show up hes kicked out 'cause I'm sure tha'ts what he wants...so I begged him to come to the lessons.
He said...and I quote!.."okay".
rawr.
Uncommitted people!

Well, the 3 other fluters (hehe) ((including me))
also Mrs. Toy, made it to where we play the empty spots all together (where the kid was supposed to play, we filled in)
So, that was figured out, if he decides to ditch.
After that I was EXTREMELY hungry.
then I realized I had totally forgotten to make myself a lunch...*sigh*
So I called my mom and asked her in my nicest voice to bring me something to eat...and she agreed:D
She brought my BBQ chicken and an orange. bless her soul! haha

So I munched on that while I, kindly, made my sister her lunch.
Then back to class!
I did some more of my assigned duties and theeeeeen...
drum roll****

DRAMA!!!

*and the crowd goes wild!*

sigh* I looove drama((:

I auditioned for the "child" part.
and on Thursday I am auditioning for the "mama gorilla".
But I heard they are actually wearing a gorilla suit...I just want to be painted black D:
so idk about that...
but I talked to the director (my mom) (;
((just so you know, it is all very fair. I promise!))
and she said since I and the other senior..are seniors...She will take that into consideration.
But she is in a fix because my little sister also auditioned for the "child"..):
So my mom doesnt know what to do...of course, I told her to pick me, but she wont listen haha

I guess we shall see.

After the, blessed, drama class P.E started.
Which I am not involved in, so I went and finished all of my assigned goals and came to the library...

I came in, and there were a bunch of kids in here...as in junior highers...and some adults.
Everyone looked at me and stared as I made my way to the restroom...
Because I am wearing a plaid skirt and a purple sweatshirt along with my polka dot rain boots...I sometimes draw attention to myself.
(the rain boots are very cute, I might add.)

SO that was nice and awkward.

I walk into the bathroom...make my way to a stall, and there is a little girl standing in there...
as if the bathroom didn't remind me of the shining already.
And I jumped and said "oh..sorry" and she said.."its okay....want to play?"
Jk haha
but yeah...that was two "awkwards" within a minute!

I came back out and sat at the little kids table and plugged in my laptop.
After awhile I'm sitting here, writing my blog, and one of the workers comes and pulls me out of my trance and tells me I cant have my cord plugged in where it is because someone might trip...me forgetting I'm in a library start talking at my normal volume level...which is loud-ish, and keep talking and talking...
haha
my sister was embarrassed.

I truly love "awkward" moments.

Well, that is all that has happened so far today.

These next couple of days keep me in your prayerssss! porfavor.
I'm dealing with heavy stuff.

I was up late...

I have so many thoughts in my mind right now.
I just told him that I need a couple days to just pray.
I need to set my priorities straight. I need to depend on God. Im such a mess.
As soon as I’ve let go of one thing it seems like I’m back in the mess again.
Im trying really hard to depend on God. I depend on other people to keep me strong but God is the only one who can.
I cant keep doing this to myself.
GUARD YOUR HEART.
I keep telling myself this. I don’t know if the words are becoming hollow or more clear.
Im becoming more cautious.
I don’t want to hurt him. I want to just be friends. No my heart wants and knows I need to be just friends. But, I, on the other hand, want to be more. But I’m/we are not ready for it.
This is so hard…
If we are meant to be together we will.

God, I need your strength. I cant do this on my own. Im weak…Im on that same spot again.
Its not a new spot. Its like Im back tracking yet getting closer.
I KNOW your Love is greater. Your love is higher than the heavens.
I know these thigs yet I keep forgetting, Lord.
I keep putting all these walls up. These distractions up, and then I wonder how they got there…why Im in this same spot again.
Over and over again I wonder the same exact things. WHEN AM I GOING TO LEARN!?
I couldn’t imagine my life without you.
You always take me back. Yet, I turn away each time a guy walks my way.

This time it was different.
When I met him. He made me…his faith made me want to grow closer to you.
Ive grown so much since I met him. Im glad for that. But lately, I seem to be falling away from you.
Im glad I caught myself sooner.
I CAN NOT forget Lord.
You have brought me out of broken hearts.
My first broken heart that was given to me by my own father.
You healed me and brought me back up.
After I was cheated on…You showed me I was worth more. You carried me. You held me. You LOVED me.
Help me to come back to you.
Guide me Lord. Take me where you want me to be.
Don’t let me get distracted. Help me to have discipline.
YOU ARE ALL I NEED.
I am Yours.
Use me God. Fill me up with Your love.
Open wide my horizons, Lord.
You have showed me what you are going to do in my life.
You already have, Lord.
You have brought me out of such a horrific scene.
You have made me more than I could even imagine myself ever even becoming.
THANKYOU.
I love you Lord.

I can do this.
God will be my strength.

Okay so..

...i didnt know what to blog about so i asked my cousinnnn
and she said just to say what comes to mind...this is gonna get crazy.


So lately ive been pretty stressed about my "friend" Steven.
We are just friends and I know thats the way it should be, for now, anyways.
I really like him but God has been showing me all kinds of stuff.

My last relationship was pretty bad.
He lived in fresno and i live 3 hours there so, it was a long distance relationship.
Well, He cheated on me with like, abunch of girls. anyways.
I heart broken and basically, Steven has to pay for it.
I have really bad trust issues when it comes to guys.

My bio dad is crummy too.
but i'll save that for another blog(;

So, I really like Steven, but we feel like we should be friends for now.
It is NOT easy.
Its very frustrating sometimes.

God is teaching me, and showing me alot of things through this.
For instance, He's teaching me to depend on Him.
This is a lesson I've been learning all my life.
God is MY Father.
The only one I need.
He is MY Love.
I dont need a boy to tell me Im special.
I should know that already.
But its hard.
It takes alot of prayer.

He's teaching me patience.
and what True Love is.

This is a really hard subject for me to explain in whole.
my mind is very cluttered. lol
my fingers are too slow for my thought process.
haha

So my mind has steered to another subject. Probably cause im talking to Alex. lol
So, Im wanting to do Ariel SOOOOOO bad.
Idk if Im such a great actress or whatever but I really LOVE doing it! lol
Im going to be in a play at my very small school.
Its called "Creation Sensation".
Its a kids play, but very amusing.
Im hoping to get the lead role, which is the Child who is trying to prepare a speech for her biology class, on evolution.
But she is raised in church and know the creation story.
So she is confused.
And so with the help of Aliens, Ameobas, Gorillas, and her Robot, she learns the True story(:
which is, ofcourse, Creation. lol
I also wouldnt mind getting the part of the momma gorilla(: hehe

Im also wanting to do "The Music Man" at Hrtnell.
this summerrrrrr.
Im very excited about it.

okaaaaay so, thats enough for today(:

byyye:D